life

i have all these amazing opportunities that most people would kill for. i am so blessed and fortunate and whatever the hell else you wanna call it and none of it matters because it's not what i want. i have healthy food on my table and a beautiful roof over my head and my choice of cars to drive. i have a family who loves me and two nieces and a nephew that i adore. i have the essentials to sustain physical life and material blessings beyond that. but aside from my family, i would do without every single one of these things to be persuing my dreams. i would give up food and cars and yes, even a bed if it meant i had a chance to be working in the direction of my passion. as it is, none of the opportunities i have matter to me. and none of them are going to get accomplished because frankly, i just don't give a damn.
and it frusterates me that i'll probably have to do all this unproductive busy work in order to get enough money to go off and work my ass off to get to do what i really want to do, which is more work. it doesn't make sense.

bubble bath blog

i'm currently sitting in a bubble bath lit by candles listening to good music, texting my best friend, and blogging. *sigh* i love my life...

i went to see the last song with my best friend tonight. it was actually good. there were a couple scenes where the acting could've used work (miley was surprisingly decent, but her co-star, liam hemsworth, came off as a little green), and i called literally every scene, but it was a good, mellow crying movie and i liked it a lot.

then brit and i went to spoons. bad choice letting me know where THAT place is. the yogurt was low-fat, but i'm pretty sure the cookie dough, brownie bits, heath bits, chocolate sauce, and caramel on top of it were not... (i call it 'death by deliciousness'.)

then we went to chick-fil-a because i decided i wanted french fries after my yogert. i ended up getting a kid's meal. fact: bendy straws are SO MUCH KOOLER than regular straws!! oh, and then brit spilled her DP all over my leg. that was cool. only except really. i'm pretty sure i still have like frost bite on my thigh.

then we went to wal-mart in college station, then started driving home. a few random turns later we both looked up and went, "wait, do YOU know where we are?" so we started heading towards some lights and a few seconds later realized it was Kyle Field. yay.

so then i came home and started watching Christian Siriano: having a moment before spilling ice water ALL over me. like seriously, i understand how i got ice in my bra, but i'm still wondering how i got ice down my jeans. oh, and the chair i was sitting on? fully dry.

so that's how i ended up in this lovely, warm bubble bath. i love my life. :D

wow i wish some one had told me this in middle school...

there's a trait that almost all girls and women possess. we all fall prey to a certain mindset. i don't know if there's a name for this, but there should be. and since "there's no way i'll ever be good enough for that boy but wouldn't it be awesome if he for some reason thought i was syndrome" is a little long, we'll just call it esteem syndrome.

esteem syndrome generally starts around middle school. right around the time when boys start getting interested in girls in that way. that's right, when BOYS start getting interested. because this syndrome has far less to do with what us girls think about boys and far more to do with what they think of us, and what we think of ourselves as a result of that.

now think about the hotshot guy in your grade, school, or organization. you know the one - he thinks he's cute because all the girls want him. and why do all the girls want him? because one or two girls first said he was cute. because one or two girls started pining over him. you think he's SO cute. you imagine him asking you out, imagine him telling you you're beautiful, imagine him paying any attention to you at all. then one day when you drop your book and he picks it up for you, you SWEAR y'all have a moment. he picked up your book! he CARES about you! you're so totally in love with him and he likes you back!! you find out two days later that the period after that he asked another girl out. you're CRUSHED. you thought there was potential there!

okay, so maybe it's not this bad for you, and please don't think i'm trivializing your feelings if it is.

but do this for me. go look at this guy's facebook page. yeah, don't deny it. if you're too shy to have added him already, then you've at least been to his page and know which of your friends you have in common. so go look. just stare at some of his pictures. forget all the hype and what other girls think of him. just analyze his face. okay, and his hair. is he really that cute? that handsome? that DREAMY? is he? for some of you, he genuinely may be. we're all attracted to different things (thank goodness). but for most of us, what's intruiging about this guy is not his looks, but what OTHER people think of his looks.

you say, "well, i don't like him for his looks, anyway. i like him for HIM."
okay. kool. what do you know about him?
"he's a good guy!"
...and...?
"and we share interests! i mean, we're both in band, so we're both musicians and we both like music."
ok. so have you ever practiced with him?
"no."
why not?
"well he plays trumpet."
and you play...?
"...flute."
right. okay. well when's his birthday? does he have any brothers or sisters? what color are his eyes?
"...."
come on. not even his eyes? you just stared at his picture! you were looking at his hair the whole time, weren't you?

see, it's not about him. it's not about love. it's about what you think of yourself. you don't think high enough of yourself. you long for the day when he'll tell you that you're different, better, more important than all the other girls you go to school with.

in fact, and you're not gonna like this, but read it and take it to heart 'cause it's true, there is a very, VERY slim chance that you and he will ever get together. and by slim i mean like none. next to nothing. almost zero.

this breaks your heart, doesn't it? i understand, believe me. we get so encompassed in ourselves in middle and high school that our emotions seem to move the earth at times.

but listen. the ONLY way to prevent this from happening is to stop focusing on how great other people think he is, and focus on how AMAZING you actually are!!

i mean, really. look at you. you're GORGEOUS! smile. DO IT. look at that beautiful smile! it just lights up the room.

YOU have to realize for YOURSELF that you are so uber wonderful. don't wait for some one else to tell you that - you don't need them. they won't all be around you for the rest of your life, but you get to hang out with you 24/7. so tell yourself daily the opposite of the worst thing you think about yourself. write it on your mirror. say it every morning as you brush your teeth.

i'm not saying that by realizing what a catch you are that you're never going to have a crush again. one day you're going to meet a genuinely great, cute guy, and then you're going to meet his genuinely great fiance (or worse, "life partner"). but what you can do is enjoy where you are now. you can walk around your campus with confidence, knowing how stinking awesome you are, and how lucky your future boyfriend/fiance/husband will be. and you can stop worrying about what he thinks of you and just have a great time with your friends!

so stand up tall! look that cutie in the eye and work up the courage to actually say hi to him! focus on you, and what great things you have to offer to the world around you. most importantly, have fun!

favorite NCIS moments [WIP]

• the nod Gibbs gives after he said Jen's work proved she should've stayed a field agent (frame-up)
• when Jenny doesn't ask Gibbs to stay the night, but he says no anyway.
• when Ziva and Tony first meet
• when Ziva pulls out a Hebrew copy of GSM
• the look McGee gives after he says he's gonna get a ntterbutter (reunion)
• the smile on Ziva's face when McGee finds her on the bench (reunion)
• the tear on Ziva's cheek when Tony asks if she can fight (TOC)
• the sheer sex in Tony's voice when he describes the F-22 raptors (TOC)
• every time Gibbs and Abby sign to each other
• every time Tony busts down a door
• when saleem dies
• every time Gibbs kisses Abby
• when Abby points to Chip, tied up on the floor
• when McGee stands down a car speeding directly at him (Jet Lag)
• the emergency blow on Sub Rosa
• when Tony says he loves Jeanne, and means it
• those two seconds in the closet in Cloak
• every time Gibbs hugs Ziva
• when Ziva goes through 3 marines before it takes an additional three to take her down (cloak)
• when Jenny walks down the stairs in that dress
• when Gibbs shoots the propane tank and blows up the trailer
• when Kate stays with Tony even though she's not infected
• when Kate gives Gibbs the "explicit" letters to read
• the 5 whole seconds it takes for Ziva to kiss Tony on the cheek
• when the marines come into view at Arlington
• when Gibbs first meets Shannon
• every time Gibbs sands the wood of his latest boat
• every tangeant Ducky goes on
• all the inadvertently inappropriate comments Jimmy makes
• when Ziva licks Tony
• when the FBI agents tell Tim that Tony and Ziva went all the way and he doesn't believe it (Under Covers)
• when Kate dances with Corp. Yost
• every time Tony checks out Ziva's ass
• when Col. Mann checks out Gibb's ass
• when Gibbs checks out Col. Mann's ass.
• every time Jimmy and Michelle are together
• when Michelle dies
• when the kid beats Tony's high score in movie trivia
• when Ziva worries about Tony having a y-pestis relapse
• when every one thinks Tony is dead
• when Tony thinks Ziva is dead
• when Tim and Abby were a couple
• every time Abby hugs some one until they can't breathe
• when Tony calls McGee "kid" (Dead Man Talking)
• the first time Tim accidentally calls Tony "boss"
• when Tony is macking on the FBI agent and Ziva walks in and tells him she's pregnant (under covers)
• when Ziva cleans her nails with her knife
• when Ziva practices her knife-throwing
• every time Tony mentions his twitter account
• when Tony and McGee sing the entire intro to "dueling banjos"
• when Tony is in charge of the case and Gibbs goes on that long rant and Ziva and Tim just stare at him
• when Ducky flips on all the x-ray viewers by running his hand along the switches
• when Ziva chews on her finger and stares at Tony in Jack Knife
• when Ziva tries to be all macho trucker woman [and fails]
• when Werth pops off a bottle cap with a gun
• when Abby detonates the simulae bomb and McGee falls off the chair
• the way Gibbs acts like a probie when he's around Franks in hiatus part 2
• those puppydog eyes Ziva gives the boss when she asks, "want me to join you?" in agent afloat

cheers, Kennedy.

okay. a little backstory for those of you who have never been to my house before: to get to the shower [upstairs] i have to go through the spare room at the end of the hall. while this room has been many things over the years, it has turned mostly into a stuff room. it doubles, however, as Kennedy's (my 2-year-old niece's) room when she and her brother and sister sleep over.

so i'm walking to the shower holding a candle (long story) and for some reason look down into Kennedy's bed. i literally jumped when i saw a small, blonde child laying in the bed.

Kennedy has this doll. it has blonde hair and looks like, well, a baby doll. apparently, one of the things Kennedy likes to play with this doll is naptime.

moral of this story: freaky baby dolls are SO much scarier than clowns!!!

determination

i am determined that i will not live "under the circumstances" this year. i will not just "go with the flow" or say "it is what it is". i will make what i want of each hour, each day, and each month. i will determine my own successes and attitudes, and take responsibility for my failures and wrongdoings. i will not make excuses, nor will i shrug blame, but will instead own up to my errors. i will work each day to make the next day better, easier, and healthier. i will be conscious of my decisions and their effects. i will live my life according to the Word and His will, not by man's standards. i will work constantly towards His plan for me.
i will live for God and only God.

new years resolutions

ok, so i know it's cliche, and a few years ago i swore that i'd never make another NYR, but i'm doing it anyway.

1. go to "big" church at least twice a month (even if it's not my own)
2. tithe
3. contribute to the 365 project regularly (once a week, starting the week i get back to Texas)
4. lose at least 1.5 lbs/week until i'm down to my ideal weight (125 lbs) the healthy way.
5. dress every day like the Sartorialist is following me
6. make enough money to pay for my own rent (including down payment)
7. complete a children's book and attempt to have it published
8. put my music in front of ears that can make something of it
9. blog at least once a week
10. complain less and be more consciously aware of my blessings
11. make life easier/better for some one else
12. live without fear.