oh, by the way...

i would like to point out that i am a happy person. most of my posts haven't come across that way lately, but it's true. my family is going through some hard times due to my grandfather's rapid progression of alzheimer's, and this is kind of my place to vent. i've thought about taking down some of my more depressing posts, but they're part of me and they're an expression of my feelings and once i delete them, they'll be gone forever. part of life, i'm learning, is taking the bad times with the good, and being able to look back on both.
so yes. while my mood swings can seem bipolar at times, i am a happy person. i love my God, i love my family/friends, and i love myself. i'm looking forward to the future while trying to make the best of my present. and while i sometimes struggle to see the light through the clouds, my heart is always overflowing with love, and my arms and ears are always open.

...also, i like cliches...
:D

i wish

i wish i had the courage to say what i really feel/think/believe.
i wish i knew what courage is.
i wish my life were different.
i wish i could go back and do it all over.
i wish my grandfather weren't slowly dieing.
i wish i had some one to snuggle with at night.
i wish i could sing like kelly clarkson and christina aguilera's lovechild.
i wish i had the body of sarah jessica parker.
i wish i were shorter.
i wish i was living in LA right now.
i wish i had paris hilton's money so i could give it to some one who really needs it.
i wish my dad was happy.
i wish my depression didn't hurt my family.
i wish i liked going to church.
i wish i wasn't so shy.
i wish i wasn't so scared of everything.
i wish my body didn't hurt.
i wish i my heart didn't hurt.
i wish i could write as well as i think.
i wish i could play the piano.
i wish my hands could draw as clearly as my mind sees.
i wish i could speak eloquently instead of tripping over my words.
i wish my shyness didn't put people off.
i wish i could spell.
i wish i could do math.
i wish my sisters liked me as a person.
i wish.
i wish.
i wish.

life

i have all these amazing opportunities that most people would kill for. i am so blessed and fortunate and whatever the hell else you wanna call it and none of it matters because it's not what i want. i have healthy food on my table and a beautiful roof over my head and my choice of cars to drive. i have a family who loves me and two nieces and a nephew that i adore. i have the essentials to sustain physical life and material blessings beyond that. but aside from my family, i would do without every single one of these things to be persuing my dreams. i would give up food and cars and yes, even a bed if it meant i had a chance to be working in the direction of my passion. as it is, none of the opportunities i have matter to me. and none of them are going to get accomplished because frankly, i just don't give a damn.
and it frusterates me that i'll probably have to do all this unproductive busy work in order to get enough money to go off and work my ass off to get to do what i really want to do, which is more work. it doesn't make sense.

bubble bath blog

i'm currently sitting in a bubble bath lit by candles listening to good music, texting my best friend, and blogging. *sigh* i love my life...

i went to see the last song with my best friend tonight. it was actually good. there were a couple scenes where the acting could've used work (miley was surprisingly decent, but her co-star, liam hemsworth, came off as a little green), and i called literally every scene, but it was a good, mellow crying movie and i liked it a lot.

then brit and i went to spoons. bad choice letting me know where THAT place is. the yogurt was low-fat, but i'm pretty sure the cookie dough, brownie bits, heath bits, chocolate sauce, and caramel on top of it were not... (i call it 'death by deliciousness'.)

then we went to chick-fil-a because i decided i wanted french fries after my yogert. i ended up getting a kid's meal. fact: bendy straws are SO MUCH KOOLER than regular straws!! oh, and then brit spilled her DP all over my leg. that was cool. only except really. i'm pretty sure i still have like frost bite on my thigh.

then we went to wal-mart in college station, then started driving home. a few random turns later we both looked up and went, "wait, do YOU know where we are?" so we started heading towards some lights and a few seconds later realized it was Kyle Field. yay.

so then i came home and started watching Christian Siriano: having a moment before spilling ice water ALL over me. like seriously, i understand how i got ice in my bra, but i'm still wondering how i got ice down my jeans. oh, and the chair i was sitting on? fully dry.

so that's how i ended up in this lovely, warm bubble bath. i love my life. :D