Saturday, September 24, 2011

One Year Later

This month is the one-year anniversary of both my grandfather's death, and the beginning of the hardest year of my life. In this past year, Grandfather died, Daddy had a heart attack and subsequent sextuple bypass, and Grandmother died. And as hard as it was when Grandfather died, and as scary as it was when Daddy almost died, it was crushing when Grandmother died. Grandmother, she was my kindred spirit. She took me all over the state to different artistic venues. We'd go to Roundtop and hear amazing instrumentalists, we'd go see shows at Imagination Station. We had so many adventures together. She taught me how to sew, how to paint, how to cook, how to set a table, and how to love. I learned how to swim at their house. Grandfather taught me how to spit watermelon seeds, and how to jump off the diving board into the deep end of the pool.
I always loved it when Grandfather worked on the ranch during the day because that meant at night, after Grandmother cooked dinner and I set the table and we all ate and cleaned the kitchen together, Grandfather would put on a John Wayne movie and I'd sit in his lap and we'd eat Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla ice cream straight out of the carton.
And then, when it was time for bed, I'd curl up in the king sized bed with the giant fluffy white comforter, under the white plantation shutters, and listen to the trains as I drifted off to sleep. On those humid summer nights and those cold, clear winter evenings, the trains were my midnight lullaby.
To this day I can't hear a train in the distance without thinking of my grandparents.
I miss them so much.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Fine, I'll be Your Punching Bag

Fine, I'll be your punching bag.
Go on, take your shot.
I'll be kind,
I'll be gracious,
I'll be everything you're not.

Fine, I'll be your punching bag.
You've done it all along.
I'll give my consent,
I won't resist,
But I know you know it's wrong.

Fine, I'll be your punching bag,
But grant me this one grace:
You can hit me high,
You can hit me low,
But please, no more in the face.

Fine, I'll be your punching bag;
There's nothing else to do-
Because it's easy,
Because it's hard,
And because I'll always love you.

How I Wanna Live

My heart's beating fast,
And my head is reeling.
I know you think it's bad
But I love this feeling

I've spent way too long
Caring what they see;
I'm done with that mess,
Now I'm living for me.

It may be short
But it's how I wanna live.
Only my all,
That's all I wanna give.

I love this feeling,
Living on a high.
I'm done with tears,
No longer will I cry.

Living for me.
Living for now.
Living for God,
I'm living how
I wanna live.

Everything moves
Faster than I realize.
No control,
My life moves before my eyes.

I don't care,
This is how I wanna live.
Say what you want,
I give what I wanna give

It may be short
But it's how I wanna live.
Only my all,
That's all I wanna give.

I love this feeling,
Living on a high.
I'm done with tears,
No longer will I cry.

Living for me.
Living for now.
Living for God,
I'm living how
I wanna live.

Do It All Wrong

Be my inspiration
Just don't blame me
When you end up in a song
Go ahead, this is an open invitation.
In fact it's better
When you do it all wrong.

Do it how
You think it should be done.
Do it for me,
But do it all wrong.

Live your life,
But let me live mine.
Play it safe,
I'll leave it all on the line.

Be Real

I feel so sick
But I'll make the most of it.
Moan and complain,
I'll take another hit
Of life.
I should be so grateful,
But instead I resent
You and this life,
And all you represent.

In time you'll see
Just what you've done to me.
I guess you did your best,
Maybe it's better than the rest,
But still...

It sucks.
And sometimes I hate it.
I know you love me,
But please don't fake it.
When you're mad at me
For being who I wanna be,
Be real.
That's all I ask-
Be real.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

This really just sums it up perfectly...

"One day you're going to want that girl, that girl that knew she wasn't perfect, but tried to be perfect for you. The girl that believed the scraps of you she was given were worth it, because something was better than nothing. That girl who wanted nothing more than to be there for you, and loving you was the only way she could. The girl who saw your flaws, but valued them as much as your strengths. That girl who still can't bring herself to hate you, even though you probably deserve it. That girl who saw past your pretty eyes and treasured parts of you that no one else will ever appreciate in the same way. The girl who realized she may never have had your heart, but will never regret a day where you were the only thing she wanted. The girl that should have had you but didn't, even though she deserved it."

Thursday, May 5, 2011


It's a weird feeling when a family member dies. It's not just grief, it's a sadness that consumes every cell in your body and you can feel it in your fingertips and on the soles of your feet.
When the person has been sick for a while there's always a small sense of relief. But mostly there's a shock at the knowledge that the world can still exist without that person in it. From however far away you are, you seem to be able to feel the loss of their soul. The world is forever changed by them no longer being in it.