insomnia

one of the worst parts of insomnia has to be the boredom (which really only adds insult to injury).
like, i don't want to do anything that will get me ramped up physically (like clean) just in case i start getting sleepy. i can't do anything loud 'cause there are sleeping people all over my house. being almost 5am, not many of my friends are online (and the people who don't understand berate me any time i do anything this late anyway). i've watched everything on my dvr, i've watched all the movies in my cabinet, i've memorized all the info-mercials, and there's only so much fanfiction you can read before it starts getting mind-numbing. playing solitaire and bejeweled and anything else you name gets real old real quick. even music, at this point, seems tired, and singing is not advised (again, sleeping people and physical ramp-up).
so occasionally i take to writing. which seems futile and sometimes frustrating.
i "day"dream about things i wish and hope might one day happen, but that just frustrates me further.
i read my Bible and books, but i'm still stuck in bed, so that quickly grows tiresome.
and all the while i can't help but think about this afternoon when it was all i could do to keep my eyes open.
like, seriously??
insomnia needs to die.

our very own

i don't understand people who become adults and want to live in the same area they grew up in. i mean i guess it's one thing if you grew up in like LA or NYC or i guess really any big city, but the area i grew up in has a population of about 100,000 people.

100,00 people. and it's 2 hours or more to any major metropolitan area. yaaay, Texas.

i'm just never understood that 2.4 kids, house in the suburbs, stay-at-home mom, mini van, dog, white picket fence dream. there's SO much more in the world!! why would you want to stay at home? how would you not go completely crazy knowing there's a whole world out there that you're missing?

this was so my life it's almost not funny. (okay, we didn't have a fence, but i like cliches.) the town i've grown up in is a sweet little place, with history and quirks and small-town charm. but that's kind of the problem, it's a small town. it's so suburban it's disgusting. 95% of our art museums are in classrooms and on refrigerators.

please don't get me wrong, i am so, SO glad that my mom and my sister grew up to achieve their dream, which was to be a stay at home mom. and i am so glad my other sister is achieving her dream. she's going to college to be a chiropractor, and then she's moving back to this area. i'm just saying... i don't get it.

so far away

thinkin' 'bout things i shouldn't be thinkin' 'bout
rememberin' days and years gone by
wishin' i could be there to hug the pain away
it's retarded that i can't be with you tonight

i hate this, bein' away from you,
but bein' with you is so messed up
i love you so much i can't even say
but i know my love'll never be enough

how can we be so far away
yet i'm closer to you than to any one
i wanna be with you when, damnit, i can't
but i'll never give in, i'll never give up

i wish, every day, things were easier for you
you deserve the best, i wish i could give you that
but i hope, in the mean time, that things get better
you're the best, you're the brightest, don't ever give up.

i want to be an actress.

i know that's ridiculous, and i'll definitely post more on this later, but i just wanted to put that out into the universe once and for all.
i've wanted to be on tv since i was 3.
television has always been more than entertainment to me, it's a passion.
i want to be an actress.
i know it's stupid, i know it's crazy, and i know it's not something i'm physically cut out for, but it's what i know, and it's what i love.
i'm going to be an actress.
i know it will take a long time and i'll start out at the very bottom.
i know there will be a lot of rejection and hurt and i'll probably be beat down a lot.
but ultimately i will be working toward my dream.
i will, one day, be an actress.

i feel...

excited
nervous
happy
sad
angry
confused
frustrated
lonely
surrounded
sympathetic
empathetic
apathetic
betrayed
loved
annoyed
misunderstood
exhausted
scared
ignored
overpowered
justified
accused
berated
bored
overwhelmed
hurt
hopeful
hopeless
open
singular
underwhelmed
closed
empowered
self-righteous
unworthy
talented
talentless
indignant
intelligent
overstimulated
tired
awake
hate
love
amused
bemused

my explanation of the Trinity

this may be fairly elementary and i'd love to hear your thoughts, but God has put this into my conscious twice now so i thought i should write it down.


i am human. this is my species. Yahweh is God. that's His "species".
i am a cheerleader. not every one i know has seen me cheer, and most people would find this hard to believe because they've never seen it with their own eyes, but this is a truth and you may choose to accept it or not.Jesus was a God-man. not every one saw Him walk the earth, and most people would find this hard to believe because they did not see it with their own eyes, but this is a truth and you may choose to accept it or not.
i am an aunt. that is my personal relationship with Colby, Kennedy, and Carlee.the Holy Spirit is God's personal relationship with me.


so... to you, who are much more Biblically knowledgeable than i, what are your thoughts on this??

oh, by the way...

i would like to point out that i am a happy person. most of my posts haven't come across that way lately, but it's true. my family is going through some hard times due to my grandfather's rapid progression of alzheimer's, and this is kind of my place to vent. i've thought about taking down some of my more depressing posts, but they're part of me and they're an expression of my feelings and once i delete them, they'll be gone forever. part of life, i'm learning, is taking the bad times with the good, and being able to look back on both.
so yes. while my mood swings can seem bipolar at times, i am a happy person. i love my God, i love my family/friends, and i love myself. i'm looking forward to the future while trying to make the best of my present. and while i sometimes struggle to see the light through the clouds, my heart is always overflowing with love, and my arms and ears are always open.

...also, i like cliches...
:D