our very own

i don't understand people who become adults and want to live in the same area they grew up in. i mean i guess it's one thing if you grew up in like LA or NYC or i guess really any big city, but the area i grew up in has a population of about 100,000 people.

100,00 people. and it's 2 hours or more to any major metropolitan area. yaaay, Texas.

i'm just never understood that 2.4 kids, house in the suburbs, stay-at-home mom, mini van, dog, white picket fence dream. there's SO much more in the world!! why would you want to stay at home? how would you not go completely crazy knowing there's a whole world out there that you're missing?

this was so my life it's almost not funny. (okay, we didn't have a fence, but i like cliches.) the town i've grown up in is a sweet little place, with history and quirks and small-town charm. but that's kind of the problem, it's a small town. it's so suburban it's disgusting. 95% of our art museums are in classrooms and on refrigerators.

please don't get me wrong, i am so, SO glad that my mom and my sister grew up to achieve their dream, which was to be a stay at home mom. and i am so glad my other sister is achieving her dream. she's going to college to be a chiropractor, and then she's moving back to this area. i'm just saying... i don't get it.

so far away

thinkin' 'bout things i shouldn't be thinkin' 'bout
rememberin' days and years gone by
wishin' i could be there to hug the pain away
it's retarded that i can't be with you tonight

i hate this, bein' away from you,
but bein' with you is so messed up
i love you so much i can't even say
but i know my love'll never be enough

how can we be so far away
yet i'm closer to you than to any one
i wanna be with you when, damnit, i can't
but i'll never give in, i'll never give up

i wish, every day, things were easier for you
you deserve the best, i wish i could give you that
but i hope, in the mean time, that things get better
you're the best, you're the brightest, don't ever give up.

i want to be an actress.

i know that's ridiculous, and i'll definitely post more on this later, but i just wanted to put that out into the universe once and for all.
i've wanted to be on tv since i was 3.
television has always been more than entertainment to me, it's a passion.
i want to be an actress.
i know it's stupid, i know it's crazy, and i know it's not something i'm physically cut out for, but it's what i know, and it's what i love.
i'm going to be an actress.
i know it will take a long time and i'll start out at the very bottom.
i know there will be a lot of rejection and hurt and i'll probably be beat down a lot.
but ultimately i will be working toward my dream.
i will, one day, be an actress.

i feel...

excited
nervous
happy
sad
angry
confused
frustrated
lonely
surrounded
sympathetic
empathetic
apathetic
betrayed
loved
annoyed
misunderstood
exhausted
scared
ignored
overpowered
justified
accused
berated
bored
overwhelmed
hurt
hopeful
hopeless
open
singular
underwhelmed
closed
empowered
self-righteous
unworthy
talented
talentless
indignant
intelligent
overstimulated
tired
awake
hate
love
amused
bemused

my explanation of the Trinity

this may be fairly elementary and i'd love to hear your thoughts, but God has put this into my conscious twice now so i thought i should write it down.


i am human. this is my species. Yahweh is God. that's His "species".
i am a cheerleader. not every one i know has seen me cheer, and most people would find this hard to believe because they've never seen it with their own eyes, but this is a truth and you may choose to accept it or not.Jesus was a God-man. not every one saw Him walk the earth, and most people would find this hard to believe because they did not see it with their own eyes, but this is a truth and you may choose to accept it or not.
i am an aunt. that is my personal relationship with Colby, Kennedy, and Carlee.the Holy Spirit is God's personal relationship with me.


so... to you, who are much more Biblically knowledgeable than i, what are your thoughts on this??

oh, by the way...

i would like to point out that i am a happy person. most of my posts haven't come across that way lately, but it's true. my family is going through some hard times due to my grandfather's rapid progression of alzheimer's, and this is kind of my place to vent. i've thought about taking down some of my more depressing posts, but they're part of me and they're an expression of my feelings and once i delete them, they'll be gone forever. part of life, i'm learning, is taking the bad times with the good, and being able to look back on both.
so yes. while my mood swings can seem bipolar at times, i am a happy person. i love my God, i love my family/friends, and i love myself. i'm looking forward to the future while trying to make the best of my present. and while i sometimes struggle to see the light through the clouds, my heart is always overflowing with love, and my arms and ears are always open.

...also, i like cliches...
:D

i wish

i wish i had the courage to say what i really feel/think/believe.
i wish i knew what courage is.
i wish my life were different.
i wish i could go back and do it all over.
i wish my grandfather weren't slowly dieing.
i wish i had some one to snuggle with at night.
i wish i could sing like kelly clarkson and christina aguilera's lovechild.
i wish i had the body of sarah jessica parker.
i wish i were shorter.
i wish i was living in LA right now.
i wish i had paris hilton's money so i could give it to some one who really needs it.
i wish my dad was happy.
i wish my depression didn't hurt my family.
i wish i liked going to church.
i wish i wasn't so shy.
i wish i wasn't so scared of everything.
i wish my body didn't hurt.
i wish i my heart didn't hurt.
i wish i could write as well as i think.
i wish i could play the piano.
i wish my hands could draw as clearly as my mind sees.
i wish i could speak eloquently instead of tripping over my words.
i wish my shyness didn't put people off.
i wish i could spell.
i wish i could do math.
i wish my sisters liked me as a person.
i wish.
i wish.
i wish.