One Year Later

This month is the one-year anniversary of both my grandfather's death, and the beginning of the hardest year of my life. In this past year, Grandfather died, Daddy had a heart attack and subsequent sextuple bypass, and Grandmother died. And as hard as it was when Grandfather died, and as scary as it was when Daddy almost died, it was crushing when Grandmother died. Grandmother, she was my kindred spirit. She took me all over the state to different artistic venues. We'd go to Roundtop and hear amazing instrumentalists, we'd go see shows at Imagination Station. We had so many adventures together. She taught me how to sew, how to paint, how to cook, how to set a table, and how to love. I learned how to swim at their house. Grandfather taught me how to spit watermelon seeds, and how to jump off the diving board into the deep end of the pool.

I always loved it when Grandfather worked on the ranch during the day because that meant at night, after Grandmother cooked dinner and I set the table and we all ate and cleaned the kitchen together, Grandfather would put on a John Wayne movie and I'd sit in his lap and we'd eat Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla ice cream straight out of the carton.

And then, when it was time for bed, I'd curl up in the king sized bed with the giant fluffy white comforter, under the white plantation shutters, and listen to the trains as I drifted off to sleep. On those humid summer nights and those cold, clear winter evenings, the trains were my midnight lullaby.

To this day I can't hear a train in the distance without thinking of my grandparents.

I miss them so much.

Fine, I'll be Your Punching Bag

Fine, I'll be your punching bag.
Go on, take your shot.
I'll be kind,
I'll be gracious,
I'll be everything you're not.

Fine, I'll be your punching bag.
You've done it all along.
I'll give my consent,
I won't resist,
But I know you know it's wrong.

Fine, I'll be your punching bag,
But grant me this one grace:
You can hit me high,
You can hit me low,
But please, no more in the face.

Fine, I'll be your punching bag;
There's nothing else to do-
Because it's easy,
Because it's hard,
And because I'll always love you.

How I Wanna Live

My heart's beating fast,
And my head is reeling.
I know you think it's bad
But I love this feeling

I've spent way too long
Caring what they see;
I'm done with that mess,
Now I'm living for me.

It may be short
But it's how I wanna live.
Only my all,
That's all I wanna give.

I love this feeling,
Living on a high.
I'm done with tears,
No longer will I cry.

Living for me.
Living for now.
Living for God,
I'm living how
I wanna live.

Everything moves
Faster than I realize.
No control,
My life moves before my eyes.

I don't care,
This is how I wanna live.
Say what you want,
I give what I wanna give

It may be short
But it's how I wanna live.
Only my all,
That's all I wanna give.

I love this feeling,
Living on a high.
I'm done with tears,
No longer will I cry.

Living for me.
Living for now.
Living for God,
I'm living how
I wanna live.

Do It All Wrong

Be my inspiration
Just don't blame me
When you end up in a song
Go ahead, this is an open invitation.
In fact it's better
When you do it all wrong.

Do it how
You think it should be done.
Do it for me,
But do it all wrong.

Live your life,
But let me live mine.
Play it safe,
I'll leave it all on the line.

Be Real

I feel so sick
But I'll make the most of it.
Moan and complain,
I'll take another hit
Of life.
I should be so grateful,
But instead I resent
You and this life,
And all you represent.

In time you'll see
Just what you've done to me.
I guess you did your best,
Maybe it's better than the rest,
But still...

It sucks.
And sometimes I hate it.
I know you love me,
But please don't fake it.
When you're mad at me
For being who I wanna be,
Be real.
That's all I ask-
Be real.

This really just sums it up perfectly...

"One day you're going to want that girl, that girl that knew she wasn't perfect, but tried to be perfect for you. The girl that believed the scraps of you she was given were worth it, because something was better than nothing. That girl who wanted nothing more than to be there for you, and loving you was the only way she could. The girl who saw your flaws, but valued them as much as your strengths. That girl who still can't bring herself to hate you, even though you probably deserve it. That girl who saw past your pretty eyes and treasured parts of you that no one else will ever appreciate in the same way. The girl who realized she may never have had your heart, but will never regret a day where you were the only thing she wanted. The girl that should have had you but didn't, even though she deserved it."
[source]

Death

It's a weird feeling when a family member dies. It's not just grief, it's a sadness that consumes every cell in your body and you can feel it in your fingertips and on the soles of your feet.
When the person has been sick for a while there's always a small sense of relief. But mostly there's a shock at the knowledge that the world can still exist without that person in it. From however far away you are, you seem to be able to feel the loss of their soul. The world is forever changed by them no longer being in it.

no really, i'm THIS bored.

1. Last beverage: water.
2. Last phone call: recieved: tina sent: mom.
3. Last text message: tina.
4. Last song you heard: raise your glass, p!ink.
5. Last time you cried: i think it was saturday.

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Got back with someone you've broken up with: no.
7. Been cheated on: no.
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: yes.
9. Lost someone special: yes.
10. Been depressed: yes.
11. Been drunk and threw up: no.

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. purple.
13. pink.
14. Aggie maroon.

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2010)
15. Made a new friend: many.
16. Fallen out of love: little bit.
17. Laughed until you cried: i've only done that like twice in my life. laughed until i couldn't breathe, definitely.
18. Met someone who changed you: um, maybe not met so much as gotten to know better.
19. Found out who your true friends were: definitely.
20. Found out someone was talking about you: HAHA. yes.
21. Kissed anyone on your Facebook friends list: kissed some one who USED to be on my friends list.
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: all but about 4.
23. How many kids do you want?: eh. 2.
24. Do you have any pets: i keep my sister's dog while she's away at college.
25. Do you want to change your name: i would really love to change my last name to that of my spouse's. :)
26. What did you do for your last birthday: umm, there was family involved...? that was 9 months ago. i don't remember.
27. What time did you wake up? haha, like 4-ish. hmm, maybe that's why i can't get to sleep... :)
28. What were you doing at midnight last night? driving around.
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for? going to disneyworld!!
30. Last time you saw your mother: 5-ish hours ago.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i really can't pick just one.
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: thomas.
34. Who is getting on your nerves now?: myself.
35. Most visited website: facebook. it's a drug and i'm addicted.
36. Whats your real name: Katrina Stephenson
37. Nicknames: kat
38. Relationship Status: perpetually single
39. Zodiac sign: [this is the dawning of the age of] aquarius
40. Male or female: female
41. Primary School: i really don't think i should give out this information over the internet.
42. Secondary School: see previous.
43. High school: bryan high.
44. Hair color: red.
45. Long or short: long.
46. Height: short enough.
47. Age: 20.
48: What do you like about yourself?: i'm a pretty good listener when i need to be, and i'm told i have nice legs. :)
49. Piercings: none.
50: Tattoos: none.
51. Righty or lefty: righty.

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery: i was born by c-section. other than that, none.
53. First piercing: n/a
54. First best friend: marilee fenn.
55. First sport you joined: t-ball. ohh, those were the days. :)
56. First vacation: washington d.c. - 18mos old.
58. First pair of trainers: i do not remember.

RIGHT NOW:
59. Eating: nothing.
60. Drinking: nothing.
61. I'm about to: go watch tv if i can't get to sleep.
62. Listening to: my fan.
63. Waiting for: REM.

YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids?: if my spouse would like them.
65. Get married?: yes.
66. Career: actress?
67. Lips or eyes: eyes.
68. Hugs or kisses: hugs.
69. Shorter or taller: taller.
70. Older or Younger: older, for sure.
71. Romantic or spontaneous: spontaneously romantic.
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: ooh, that's a tough one. gonna have to go with arms, though.
73. Sensitive or loud: not too sensitive and not too quiet.
74. Hook-up or relationship: if you're lookin' for thrills, then get cold feet. oh, no, i do not hook up.

HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger: no.
78. Lost glasses/contacts: yes.
79. Ridden a Roller Coaster: *shudders* yes. never again.
80. Broken someone's heart: not that i know of.
82. Been arrested: no.
83. Turned someone down: yes.
84. Cried when someone died: yes.
85. Fallen for a friend: not really.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself: haha. i'm workin' on it.
88. Love at first sight: no. not at all, not even a little bit.
89. Heaven: yes.
90. Santa Claus: heck yes.
91. The Easter Bunny: not so much.
92. Angels: yes!

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: no.
95. Did you sing today?: yes.
96. Ever cheated on somebody?: no.
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: 6th grade. oh my goodness, i'd do EVERYTHING differently.
98. The moment you would choose to relive?: too many to chose!
99. Are you afraid of falling in love?: sometimes.
100. Are you afraid of posting this as 100 truths?: i'm not afraid to, but i'm not going to either.

1 Corinthians 8-10 (NIV)

8
²The man who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know.


³But the man who loves God is known by God.


⁵For even if there are so-called gods, whether in heaven or on earth (as indeed there are many "gods" and many "lords"), ⁶yet for us there is but one God, the Father, from whom all things came and for whom we live; and there is but one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom all things came and through whom we live.


⁹Be careful, however, that the exercise of your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak.


¹²When you sin against your brothers in this way and wound their weak conscience, you sin against Christ.


9

²⁴Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. ²⁵Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. ²⁶Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. ²⁷No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. (NIV)

^24-25You've all been to the stadium and seen the athletes race. Everyone runs; one wins. Run to win. All good athletes train hard. They do it for a gold medal that tarnishes and fades. You're after one that's gold eternally. ^26-27I don't know about you, but I'm running hard for the finish line. I'm giving it everything I've got. No sloppy living for me! I'm staying alert and in top condition. I'm not going to get caught napping, telling everyone else all about it and then missing out myself. (The Message)

10

¹For I do not want you to be ignorant of the fact, brothers, that our forefathers were all under the cloud and that they all passed through the sea. ²They were all baptized into Moses in the cloud and in the sea. ³They all ate the same spiritual food ⁴and drank the same spiritual drink; for they drank from the spiritual rock that accompanied them, and that rock was Christ. ⁵Nevertheless, God was not pleased with most of them; their bodies were scattered over the desert.⁶Now these things occurred as examples to keep us from setting our hearts on evil things as they did.

^11-12These are all warning markers—danger!—in our history books, written down so that we don't repeat their mistakes. Our positions in the story are parallel—they at the beginning, we at the end—and we are just as capable of messing it up as they were. Don't be so naive and self-confident. You're not exempt. You could fall flat on your face as easily as anyone else. Forget about self-confidence; it's useless. Cultivate God-confidence. (The Message)

¹²So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! ¹³No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

²⁰No, but the sacrifices of pagans are offered to demons, not to God, and I do not want you to be participants with demons. ²¹You cannot drink the cup of the Lord and the cup of demons too; you cannot have a part in both the Lord's table and the table of demons.

²⁴Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.

³¹So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.

³²Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God

1 Corinthians 5-7 [The Message]

ch. 5
vs. 9-13
I wrote you in my earlier letter that you shouldn't make yourselves at home among the sexually promiscuous. I didn't mean that you should have nothing at all to do with outsiders of that sort. Or with crooks, whether blue or white-collar. Or with spiritual phonies, for that matter. You'd have to leave the world entirely to do that! But I am saying that you shouldn't act as if everything is just fine when a friend who claims to be a Christian is promiscuous or crooked, is flip with God or rude to friends, gets drunk or becomes greedy and predatory. You can't just go along with this, treating it as acceptable behavior. I'm not responsible for what the outsiders do, but don't we have some responsibility for those within our community of believers? God decides on the outsiders, but we need to decide when our brothers and sisters are out of line and, if necessary, clean house.

ch. 6
vs. 18-20 (NIV)
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

ch. 7
vs. 17 [i hate this verse]
And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life. Don't think I'm being harder on you than on the others. I give this same counsel in all the churches.

vs. 20-24
Stay where you were when God called your name. Were you a slave? Slavery is no roadblock to obeying and believing. I don't mean you're stuck and can't leave. If you have a chance at freedom, go ahead and take it. I'm simply trying to point out that under your new Master you're going to experience a marvelous freedom you would never have dreamed of. On the other hand, if you were free when Christ called you, you'll experience a delightful "enslavement to God" you would never have dreamed of. All of you, slave and free both, were once held hostage in a sinful society. Then a huge sum was paid out for your ransom. So please don't, out of old habit, slip back into being or doing what everyone else tells you. Friends, stay where you were called to be. God is there. Hold the high ground with him at your side.

goals

it's occured to me that i do better week-by-week when i set out with goals. it starts me off with a positive attitude and it keeps me on track.
so, goals for this week:
go grocery shopping. make a list, buy healthy.
exercise 2x a day. you've done it before, do it again.
go to choir. leave on time, don't speed!
practice Christmas music. use CD if necessecary.
create a permanent food diary. buy one if needed.
go see dr. ruggiero.
research Colorado (cost, job ops).
practice piano. look for teacher.
practice voice. look for teacher.
calculate weight goals. set timeframe for gns.
get blood work done, garner needed suppliments.
wake up before 7 every day.
research dance classes.
look into FIF cost[s].
work on monologues.
increase work hours.
add to goals list if needed.

revelation

i'm never going to be good enough.
i've always heard people talk, from a Christian standpoint, about God bringing your significant other into your life when you're satisfied with Him or when you're content enough or "Christian enough" or whatever.
so i've tried, my whole life, to be content with the fact that i'm single. and to be calm and patient and satisfied and perfect and whatever. but the fact is, i'm never going to be good enough, and, dangit, i don't have to be!!
if i had to be good enough to receive grace, there's no way i'd be saved. if i had to be "Christian enough" to be accepted in my church, i'd be a total outcast. and if i had to look perfect ALL the time, i would have no friends.
so here, i'm going to say what i've been denying for a long time: sometimes it really, REALLY sucks to be single! i outright hate it at times. friends and family are no replacement for a husband. and that's fine, they aren't supposed to be.
now tomorrow i'm going to go right back to being content and patient, but for tonight i'm going to admit that while i know Love, i'm still waiting for my love. and i'm going to revel in the freeing fact that i'm never going to be good enough. i'm never going to be perfect. but one day [and dear Lord, please, oh PLEASE let it be soon!], God will bring me some one who will love me for the beautiful woman God has made me.
and yes, i will work, all my life, to be more Christ-like. but i don't have to be all the way there right now in order to be loved. and praise God all the more for it!

i want my chance.

so i'm in a really weird place after watching the Rizzoli & Isles season finale.
on one hand i kind of want a hug. on another i don't even want to look at another person right now.
i want to like throw up and punch something at the same time. [that is, the desires coincide, not that i wish for the actions to coincide. that would just be difficult.]
and yet some sick, sadistic part of me wants, more than ever, to be a part of television - to be a part of something so powerful.
it's not that i want to make people cry or whatever, it's that i want to be a part of something that gets people this in touch with their emotions. i want to play a role in something that brings people together in a way that nothing else does like a communal love of fictional characters. it sounds weird or silly, but it's the truth!

cleaning... or lack thereof...

i was sick yesterday. ran a little fever, whatever. i'm over it. but today i've been in a weird mood 'cause i'm in that "well enough to be bored but still too weak to actually do anything" state. and that's just not okay. so i've been like listening to good music and trying to be upbeat and whatever. so i look over and see how many kleenexes have missed my trashcan over the last few days and i'm like, "okay, i'll clean those up and get myself into a cleaning mood and make my room look pretty and then i'll feel better". so i clean up the kleenexes, then turn around, look at what a mess my room is, and am like "yeah... no".
so the moral of my story is: i need a house elf.

=D

sooo...
family
handbell reunion
good friends
working out
Aggies winning
more working out
music practicing
daydreaming
...all have made this a wonderful weekend!
goals for this week:
work out 2x a day (YOU CAN DO IT!!)
bring some one to choir wednesday
meet up with Heather
work on Colorado stuff [[more to come later]]
research disney trip -plane tkts!-
get up early every day
read Bible/have quiet time every day
find/research small group
find voice teacher
keep food diary

insomnia

one of the worst parts of insomnia has to be the boredom (which really only adds insult to injury).
like, i don't want to do anything that will get me ramped up physically (like clean) just in case i start getting sleepy. i can't do anything loud 'cause there are sleeping people all over my house. being almost 5am, not many of my friends are online (and the people who don't understand berate me any time i do anything this late anyway). i've watched everything on my dvr, i've watched all the movies in my cabinet, i've memorized all the info-mercials, and there's only so much fanfiction you can read before it starts getting mind-numbing. playing solitaire and bejeweled and anything else you name gets real old real quick. even music, at this point, seems tired, and singing is not advised (again, sleeping people and physical ramp-up).
so occasionally i take to writing. which seems futile and sometimes frustrating.
i "day"dream about things i wish and hope might one day happen, but that just frustrates me further.
i read my Bible and books, but i'm still stuck in bed, so that quickly grows tiresome.
and all the while i can't help but think about this afternoon when it was all i could do to keep my eyes open.
like, seriously??
insomnia needs to die.

our very own

i don't understand people who become adults and want to live in the same area they grew up in. i mean i guess it's one thing if you grew up in like LA or NYC or i guess really any big city, but the area i grew up in has a population of about 100,000 people.

100,00 people. and it's 2 hours or more to any major metropolitan area. yaaay, Texas.

i'm just never understood that 2.4 kids, house in the suburbs, stay-at-home mom, mini van, dog, white picket fence dream. there's SO much more in the world!! why would you want to stay at home? how would you not go completely crazy knowing there's a whole world out there that you're missing?

this was so my life it's almost not funny. (okay, we didn't have a fence, but i like cliches.) the town i've grown up in is a sweet little place, with history and quirks and small-town charm. but that's kind of the problem, it's a small town. it's so suburban it's disgusting. 95% of our art museums are in classrooms and on refrigerators.

please don't get me wrong, i am so, SO glad that my mom and my sister grew up to achieve their dream, which was to be a stay at home mom. and i am so glad my other sister is achieving her dream. she's going to college to be a chiropractor, and then she's moving back to this area. i'm just saying... i don't get it.

so far away

thinkin' 'bout things i shouldn't be thinkin' 'bout
rememberin' days and years gone by
wishin' i could be there to hug the pain away
it's retarded that i can't be with you tonight

i hate this, bein' away from you,
but bein' with you is so messed up
i love you so much i can't even say
but i know my love'll never be enough

how can we be so far away
yet i'm closer to you than to any one
i wanna be with you when, damnit, i can't
but i'll never give in, i'll never give up

i wish, every day, things were easier for you
you deserve the best, i wish i could give you that
but i hope, in the mean time, that things get better
you're the best, you're the brightest, don't ever give up.

i want to be an actress.

i know that's ridiculous, and i'll definitely post more on this later, but i just wanted to put that out into the universe once and for all.
i've wanted to be on tv since i was 3.
television has always been more than entertainment to me, it's a passion.
i want to be an actress.
i know it's stupid, i know it's crazy, and i know it's not something i'm physically cut out for, but it's what i know, and it's what i love.
i'm going to be an actress.
i know it will take a long time and i'll start out at the very bottom.
i know there will be a lot of rejection and hurt and i'll probably be beat down a lot.
but ultimately i will be working toward my dream.
i will, one day, be an actress.

i feel...

excited
nervous
happy
sad
angry
confused
frustrated
lonely
surrounded
sympathetic
empathetic
apathetic
betrayed
loved
annoyed
misunderstood
exhausted
scared
ignored
overpowered
justified
accused
berated
bored
overwhelmed
hurt
hopeful
hopeless
open
singular
underwhelmed
closed
empowered
self-righteous
unworthy
talented
talentless
indignant
intelligent
overstimulated
tired
awake
hate
love
amused
bemused